My Testimony
"But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God." -1 Corinthians 1:27–29
When I think of what Jesus has done in my life, Paul's words in First Corinthians come to mind: "But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God" (1 Cor. 1:27-29). I am one of the lowly things of the world, one of the weak and foolish things God chose and, like Paul, I feel I must boast only of my weaknesses.
I come from a broken family — my parents divorced when I was six years old. As a child I was emotionally confused, insecure, and withdrawn, but not without happy moments and joyful memories. I had few close friends growing up, yet a strong desire to be needed, to feel loved, accepted, and affirmed. My family had some involvement in church when we were young, which I always enjoyed, but eventually we stopped going altogether.
From high school on into college, I found myself in a string of damaging relationships. I was involved in drinking, substance abuse, and promiscuity. I wanted to be a strong, modern, independent woman, but in reality my identity was only as secure as my current romance or group of friends. And every person I put my hopes in failed me sooner or later.
I was looking for healing, fulfillment, and identity in broken people. I longed for that perfect love that would complete me, but found only rejection and heartbreak. Looking back however, I can see how God placed certain believers in my life — my grandparents, a few close friends, even parents of boyfriends — to speak truth to my heart and set me on the path that would eventually lead me to Jesus.
I come from a broken family — my parents divorced when I was six years old. As a child I was emotionally confused, insecure, and withdrawn, but not without happy moments and joyful memories. I had few close friends growing up, yet a strong desire to be needed, to feel loved, accepted, and affirmed. My family had some involvement in church when we were young, which I always enjoyed, but eventually we stopped going altogether.
From high school on into college, I found myself in a string of damaging relationships. I was involved in drinking, substance abuse, and promiscuity. I wanted to be a strong, modern, independent woman, but in reality my identity was only as secure as my current romance or group of friends. And every person I put my hopes in failed me sooner or later.
I was looking for healing, fulfillment, and identity in broken people. I longed for that perfect love that would complete me, but found only rejection and heartbreak. Looking back however, I can see how God placed certain believers in my life — my grandparents, a few close friends, even parents of boyfriends — to speak truth to my heart and set me on the path that would eventually lead me to Jesus.
I was looking for healing, fulfillment, and identity in broken people. I longed for that perfect love that would complete me, but found only rejection and heartbreak.
During my time living in Denver, I started seeing Nate. At first our relationship was merely another fruitless attempt to fill the God-shaped hole in my heart, and it probably would've ended, but God had other plans. In 2008 I moved back home to Salida for a fresh start and found out shortly thereafter that Nate and I were going to have a baby. Nate moved to Salida with me and we began rebuilding our relationship as we looked forward to the birth of our son, Egon.
In 2009 we became parents and also husband and wife (on paper). We continued in our new dynamic as a family, but we were still hopelessly lost. We sought the thrills of the party lifestyle — drunkenness, experimentation, and selfish pursuits. I wanted nothing to do with the "traditional" ideas about marriage and family life; I was immersed in the ways of the world and found those ideas offensive, foolish, and unprogressive.
In 2011 after a series of conversations with his lifelong friend who was a believer, Nate told me he wanted to find a church and start pursuing God in his life. My first reaction was anger. I told him he could do what he wanted, but that I myself was considering Buddhism. I stewed about this sudden change in Nate, this desire to do what I thought was the most ignorant and backwards thing he ever could have done.
Then one day while I was closing up the coffee shop where I worked, my mind preoccupied with worrisome notions of God and church and Christianity, the Holy Spirit cut through my thoughts with four simple words: Say yes to him! I knew in that moment I needed to back my husband in this pursuit, that I needed to join him in it. What I didn't know was that I was really saying yes to Jesus.
Not five minutes later Nate showed up at the coffee shop, paying me a surprise visit on his way home from work. I hugged him and told him, "If you want to do this, we'll do it together." Through a series of God-orchestrated circumstances we met the pastor of a local church, visited, and had our work schedules altered so we could start attending.
Since then, Nate and I have given our lives to Jesus, renewed our vows before God, and have watched in wonder as He has reshaped us and our family for His glory! Personally, I have experienced Christ's healing power for the scars of my past, and His redemptive work in my heart as my thoughts, pursuits and passions were aligned with His.
Jesus has overwhelmed that hole in my heart I so desperately tried to fill all my life. I found the perfect love I'd been seeking, or rather, He found me. Jesus is the healing, fulfillment, and identity I've longed for! He has transformed me and continues to do so faithfully.
In 2009 we became parents and also husband and wife (on paper). We continued in our new dynamic as a family, but we were still hopelessly lost. We sought the thrills of the party lifestyle — drunkenness, experimentation, and selfish pursuits. I wanted nothing to do with the "traditional" ideas about marriage and family life; I was immersed in the ways of the world and found those ideas offensive, foolish, and unprogressive.
In 2011 after a series of conversations with his lifelong friend who was a believer, Nate told me he wanted to find a church and start pursuing God in his life. My first reaction was anger. I told him he could do what he wanted, but that I myself was considering Buddhism. I stewed about this sudden change in Nate, this desire to do what I thought was the most ignorant and backwards thing he ever could have done.
Then one day while I was closing up the coffee shop where I worked, my mind preoccupied with worrisome notions of God and church and Christianity, the Holy Spirit cut through my thoughts with four simple words: Say yes to him! I knew in that moment I needed to back my husband in this pursuit, that I needed to join him in it. What I didn't know was that I was really saying yes to Jesus.
Not five minutes later Nate showed up at the coffee shop, paying me a surprise visit on his way home from work. I hugged him and told him, "If you want to do this, we'll do it together." Through a series of God-orchestrated circumstances we met the pastor of a local church, visited, and had our work schedules altered so we could start attending.
Since then, Nate and I have given our lives to Jesus, renewed our vows before God, and have watched in wonder as He has reshaped us and our family for His glory! Personally, I have experienced Christ's healing power for the scars of my past, and His redemptive work in my heart as my thoughts, pursuits and passions were aligned with His.
Jesus has overwhelmed that hole in my heart I so desperately tried to fill all my life. I found the perfect love I'd been seeking, or rather, He found me. Jesus is the healing, fulfillment, and identity I've longed for! He has transformed me and continues to do so faithfully.
Jesus has overwhelmed that hole in my heart I so desperately tried to fill all my life. I found the perfect love I'd been seeking, or rather, He found me!
I'd like to take a moment to elaborate on the experience of God's transformation in my life thus far. I spent the majority of my early years as a believer attempting to fulfill my desire to be needed through ministry. I was eager to begin "doing things for God" and I mistakenly laid the foundation of my faith not on what Jesus had already done for me, but on what I, in my foolishness, thought I could do for Him.
I poured myself out to the point of neglecting my family, my God-given role as a wife and mother, in the pursuit of what I felt was my "calling." I also took on the impossible burden of bettering myself. This vicious cycle went something like this: I would begin by pinpointing a flaw in my life, finding a book by a popular Christian author that would give me the answers I needed, and trying to implement the solution through behavior modification. Although I wouldn't have admitted it or even recognized it at the time, my efforts were rooted in pride and legalism, not in a relationship with Christ.
God allowed me, through struggles with sickness, fatigue, depression and sin, to come to the end of myself. I gave up. I knew I had nothing whatsoever to give God and I could do absolutely nothing without Him! God used this surrender and utter dependence on Him to prepare me for one of the most significant tests I'd yet faced in my faith.
God brought a trial that drove my husband and I to Him, to the Bible, to prayer, and to godly counsel for guidance. We clung to Jesus and the Word in that time, and ultimately transitioned to this church at God's leading. The road has been difficult — full of sorrow, loss of friendship, wrestling with doubt and the laying down of a ministry that had become an idol in my heart — but God proved Himself faithful through it all.
More and more I'm understanding how little I can do and how much I must cling to Jesus. I am reminded of my weaknesses every day, but I see now the opportunity for God's strength to shine through those areas. God's strength, and not my own. I am thankful for these reminders, though they are seldom pleasant, because they drive me to deeper dependence on God and His Word. I remember how much I need Jesus when I recall the kind of person I am without Him!
When God chose me out of the world it was not because of anything I had done, nor anything I would do, but simply because He loved me. I have no other response but to give my whole life in love to Him, wherever He leads or whatever it may cost me. So as my story continues to unfold, I cling to the words of Scripture and say, "...far be it from me to boast except in the cross of [my] Lord Jesus Christ, by which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world" (Gal. 6:14).
I poured myself out to the point of neglecting my family, my God-given role as a wife and mother, in the pursuit of what I felt was my "calling." I also took on the impossible burden of bettering myself. This vicious cycle went something like this: I would begin by pinpointing a flaw in my life, finding a book by a popular Christian author that would give me the answers I needed, and trying to implement the solution through behavior modification. Although I wouldn't have admitted it or even recognized it at the time, my efforts were rooted in pride and legalism, not in a relationship with Christ.
God allowed me, through struggles with sickness, fatigue, depression and sin, to come to the end of myself. I gave up. I knew I had nothing whatsoever to give God and I could do absolutely nothing without Him! God used this surrender and utter dependence on Him to prepare me for one of the most significant tests I'd yet faced in my faith.
God brought a trial that drove my husband and I to Him, to the Bible, to prayer, and to godly counsel for guidance. We clung to Jesus and the Word in that time, and ultimately transitioned to this church at God's leading. The road has been difficult — full of sorrow, loss of friendship, wrestling with doubt and the laying down of a ministry that had become an idol in my heart — but God proved Himself faithful through it all.
More and more I'm understanding how little I can do and how much I must cling to Jesus. I am reminded of my weaknesses every day, but I see now the opportunity for God's strength to shine through those areas. God's strength, and not my own. I am thankful for these reminders, though they are seldom pleasant, because they drive me to deeper dependence on God and His Word. I remember how much I need Jesus when I recall the kind of person I am without Him!
When God chose me out of the world it was not because of anything I had done, nor anything I would do, but simply because He loved me. I have no other response but to give my whole life in love to Him, wherever He leads or whatever it may cost me. So as my story continues to unfold, I cling to the words of Scripture and say, "...far be it from me to boast except in the cross of [my] Lord Jesus Christ, by which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world" (Gal. 6:14).