I'd like to say I embraced Christ's calling immediately and wholeheartedly...but I didn't. I tried ignoring it for a while. Then I tried reasoning my way out of it. I waffled back and forth between "Yes Lord, I'll do it!" and "No way God! I'm not cut out for that..." Finally, after several months of dancing around the growing burden in my heart, I took a deep breath and committed to it.
I chose a curriculum and mapped out the school year, week by week. I planned lessons and crafted Bible studies. I bought pencils and crayons, paints and books, paper and glue. I was ready! Or so I thought. The first week of school was fun and exciting! We smiled and snapped pictures. We explored the online curriculum and opened brand new workbooks. We did art projects and science experiments; we visited the library and the park; we even had a field trip!
But as the weeks went on our initial enthusiasm began to ebb. My son's excitement soured into apathy and outright defiance. My passion for the endeavor waned, and my sense of purpose all but collapsed. Rather than flowing smoothly, every day was a battle. Literally. My son fought me on every piece of work I placed in front of him and my impatience seethed, bubbling over in both word and deed. I found myself depressed, confused, angry and wanting to give up. This seemingly "good thing" God had led us to brought me nose to nose with the worst inside of me, and all I wanted to do was run away.
Exhaustion, stress, and a guilt-ridden conscience caused me to start chasing unhealthy mental escapes—an old habit I hadn't struggled with for some time, but which now came back in full force. I knew these thought patterns were dangerous, and that I had given the enemy a foothold in my mind. Still, when the Lord prompted me to seek counseling I was reluctant.
I argued with the Lord, "Jesus, I've already dealt with the stuff in my past. Why do You want me to dig it up again?" But the more I sought Him in His word, the more it became clear to me—the rubble of my past needed to be cleared away if He was going to be able to build on the right foundation. I thought I had laid my struggles with legalism to rest, but God revealed through my anger, guilt, impatience and escapism that those roots were still there, and they went down deep. So, with trembling nerves and a knot in my gut, I made an appointment.
The first meeting went well. It was therapeutic in itself to simply get everything off my chest! We got quickly to the deeper issues of my past—my parents' divorce; the emotional and psychological burden of being the family "peacemaker"; my subsequent string of destructive behaviors and relationships. I understood all these things. I could see the connection between them, and their influence on my present. But, as I would come to learn, it is one thing to know something in your head and quite another to know it in your heart.
During the next couple of sessions I began to realize there was a driving force motivating and coloring just about everything I did in life: the need to be accepted. I wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere, but along with that craving came the dreadful burden of "measuring up". For so long there had been strings attached to my sense of belonging, and as a result my experience of God's grace and acceptance was woefully stunted. I felt in every relationship, even in my walk with the Lord, that I had to perform in order to earn my place. I operated under the idea that I needed to start doing all the right things and stop doing all the wrong ones. And the weight I'd placed on my shoulders was slowly crushing me.
As if to hammer the point home, God brought on three separate occasions a different sister in Christ to me with the words, "Dani, you're too hard on yourself." At first I was indignant. Then I started questioning, What if they're right? Weary and assailed by doubt, I prayed: “Is what I have real faith, Lord? Am I totally off-base? Are my perceptions of You completely wrong? Is all my striving truly Your work of sanctification, or merely a prideful delusion? If it is then show me, Jesus! I would rather rebuild from scratch on a firm foundation than be found with nothing but flame and ash on the day I stand before You…"
...and rebuild from scratch He did. In the span of about three weeks God shook down the flimsy framework of my faith to the point where, had He not been holding me in His hand, I would have walked away. I despaired of even opening my Bible, foolishly believing the lie that God had nothing to say to me in my low estate. But, in His infinite love, mercy and grace, He led me to Paul's letter to the Galatians.
The words leapt off the page as if I had never read them before! With each verse it was as if some unseen light were flooding my soul. God began to show me that the torment I felt in my conscience was not the peace He offered. The incessant fussing and fretting over my sins was not the abundant life He died to give me. I realized that my so-called faith was merely a thin veneer over an endlessly ravenous effort toward self-righteousness and an increasing fervor of doubt and despair. I learned that faith--true faith—was not coming before Christ saying "I tried" but rather "I trusted".
The Lord spoke to me in depth about justification through faith alone; the different but cooperative purposes of the Law and the Gospel; the precious and priceless nature of Christ's sacrifice; and the life-giving, freedom-granting, Spirit-infused power of simple faith! The word, like a double-edged sword, divided my conscience from my flesh and placed it above, high in the heavenly realms with Christ Jesus! Peace pervaded my heart and mind. Joy welled up in me like I'd never felt before! God had increased my faith, and the whole world shone anew in the light of His grace.
Like I said before, there are times when we read Scripture and times when Scripture is brought to life in us. For years I had fallen short of the rest Christ wanted to give me: "So then, there remains a Sabbath rest for the people of God, for whoever has entered God's rest has also rested from his works as God did from his. Let us therefore strive to enter that rest, so that no one may fall by the same sort of disobedience" (Hebrews 4:9–11). My disobedience to the Gospel had left me a slave to the works of the Law; my striving for righteousness had kept me from rest.
But then, by no effort of my own nor wisdom of man, God did a work in my heart. He made me "dead to the law so that I might live to God. I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me" (Galatians 4:19–20). How good is our God that He loves and pursues us even when we are steadfastly marching down our Damascus road, rejecting His sacrifice and blind to our own hypocrisy?? What incredible grace! What unfathomable mercy!
The imprisonment of my conscience made my newfound freedom in Christ all the sweeter. It has radically changed my attitude towards myself and my failures, and has increased both my patience and joy in the calling I was ready to deem a lost cause. I understand now why Paul preached so zealously about God's grace! And it is why I share these words with you.
Scripture says we conquer Satan by two things: the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony (Revelation 12:11). Maybe you are experiencing a similar struggle. Maybe you are tempted to despair, to give up. Perhaps you've been praying for years about overcoming some weakness in your faith and it seems as though an answer will never come...
May I just encourage you? God is working. God has you and He's not letting go. God is using these hard things for a greater good than you could ever imagine! God loves you. You can trust that He is pleased with you, no matter where you happen to find yourself at the moment, because your standing before Him has absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with Christ!
Keep the faith, believer. Cease your laboring! Lay down your burdens! Flee to the foot of the cross and stay there for as long as it takes until that cross is your foundation, your salvation, your assurance. Stay, stay until it is erected in your very heart! Sit at Jesus' feet. Hear Him when He beckons, "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light" (Matthew 11:28–30).